Sara, age 25, Iowa
We weren’t ready to be parents. Sara’s story.
My story is not too different from many other women’s stories
I found out I was pregnant when I was very far along. Luckily, I went to the doctor early on and it was confirmed that I would be due in February with a little girl. My boyfriend and I hadn’t been together long – just a year – and it just didn’t seem like a good time. He is older than I am (we’re still together) and has two older daughters from a previous relationship. I was 25 and at the time, I thought I SHOULD be ready to have a child. My “plan” growing up was to be married and be done having children by 25. Little did I know that life comes at you from all directions and changes your plan. But one thing I was pretty certain about: we weren’t ready to be parents together.
Raising a child wasn’t in the cards for us at that time
Someday maybe, but not right now. I did an online search for adoption agencies and came across Family Formation. I contacted Megan and although she was located in California and I was in Iowa, she responded very quickly. We got me on the phone to discuss options. She was also a great sounding board for me – if I was having a bad day or had a discussion with my parents that upset me, she was almost always available to talk.
We both got on the phone with Megan to discuss our options and what the next steps were. Megan sent us a few pamphlets on parents seeking adoption and we got to choose who would be the best fit to raise our child. I looked through them first and settled on one almost immediately. I gave them to my boyfriend next, and he chose the exact same couple. They both went to my college alma mater and had very strong values that he and I both agreed would be good for her.
Megan and Family Formation were there for me
I kept her in the loop after my doctor visits, I let her know when I went into labor. The couple who we chose, flew in that night and we met them the next day. Even more so in person, they were the best choice and least selfish decision I’ve ever made.
I met with a counselor a few times leading up to and following the birth – which helped me talk through a lot of things I wasn’t sure I could talk to anyone else about. It was really nice to have a third party who wasn’t on one side or the other. My parents were not supportive of my decision at the beginning. My mother made me feel very guilty about choosing adoption rather than keeping her at home. I knew then, and it’s even more true now – I was not ready to be a mother. And now – I’m not sure I’ll ever want to be a mother. I am very happy with my life and the decision we made – this little girl is so happy and is so lucky to have such amazing people raising her.
The adoptive parents send me pictures every few months
And I don’t look at them right away. I look at them when I’m ready – which is how I go through things. My parents have been out to see her – they take a vacation and spend a few hours with her while they’re out there. They’re coping differently than I am – and for the most part I’m okay with it. This was my decision, and I know it was the right one because we weren’t ready to be parents.
My pregnancy was also something that I kept to myself and only a few other people. I wore loose fitting clothes, didn’t spend time with my friends all that often, and chose to keep quiet – and it still is a very private thing for me. I have a few friends that know – but most of them do not. I’ve slowly begun telling my friends as it warrants – but most of the time I keep this to myself.
Recently, a few of my friends have been dealing with fertility issues of my own and sometimes I feel awful that I was able to have a beautiful child that I won’t raise, while they struggle to even get pregnant at all. My best friend from college didn’t know about my pregnancy until about 6 months ago. She and her husband had fertility issues and she was unable to get pregnant so they decided to go the adoption route. After they adopted their beautiful daughter who recently turned one, I decided to tell her. Although she’s recently moved to Hawaii (the lucky duck), we still remain close – and have another strong bond to keep us close.
Choosing adoption was the best decision
Choosing adoption is the most selfless thing I have ever done – and probably will ever do. I am very happy with where my life is at – and I know that my daughter is living her best life with two parents and a huge extended family who will love her unconditionally. They’ve been very open with her and she will always know she was adopted – and at some point, someday – I may see her again. Even though we weren’t ready to be parents then, we are excited to be her birth parents now.
I have also stayed in contact with Megan – although not as much as in previous years. That California to Iowa time difference is confusing sometimes! But having Megan tell me her story helped as well. It affirmed that this decision I had made for myself and my daughter – was the right one.